Living with PTSD

I was diagnosed with PTSD after a nearly successful suicide attempt.  I was forced to go to a psych ward for a 72 hour hold (which is standard) and then sent to a psychiatrist.
We talked about everything but what made me try to kill myself, which at the time was fine by me.
It was still too raw, you see. I hadn't really gotten my head around my own actions.
But we'll get to that later.
Being diagnosed with PTSD gave me some relief: I understood better why I did certain things or acted certain ways when things bothered me.
I was fully diagnosed with PTSD with Dissociative Disorder  (Not Otherwise Specified).
Basically it boils down to the traumatic event that happened to me as a child was incorrectly stored in the fight or flight center of my brain, instead of in the memory center.
So when I am triggered by something, my response is the same as if I was there, living it again.
The pain, humiliation, anger, despair...all roiling and writhing in my skull.
Often this results in the triggering of the Dissociative Disorder, which is pretty much reacting as I did when I was a kid: total shutdown.
Stress can trigger this, nightmares can trigger it (and I relive the events every night in my sleep), viewing things on tv that are similar to what happened can trigger it.
Sometimes I weep, sometimes I hurt myself (pain seems to stabilise my thoughts a bit...or at least shift focus), sometimes I sleep an inordinate amount of hours.
Then there are the times I just check out completely, like I did when I was being tortured. I just go blank.  Withdraw from the world into a blank state.
The thing is, without the triggers, I appear normal.
So friends and family don't see the bad parts, the parts I hide.
Some of my family doesn't even believe me, which is life. I don't actually care anymore.  But I did, once.
It's exhausting dealing with this every day.
It's hard to be productive when you have to fight your own mind just for some peace.
Toss ontop of that some physical infermities that people seem to enjoy making light of...
People take for granted the things they can do. And because they can do them effortlessly, they feel others should be able to as well. It doesn't work that way.  Just because Schwarzenegger can arm curl two Dulph Lundgrens, doesn't mean you can too.
You may not see my struggle, because I learned to put on a mask to cover it...but it's there, and it takes it's toll.